3 to be free!

1. get out of debt
2. get out of clutter
3. get healthy

hmm. a new program I just gave it a name. lol

How much people suck!

So I try to do something nice and it backfires. I used to be such a nice person and thought I could be that way again and then, another reason to be sinicle and untrusting of everyone. It started with me offering to help out a needy family. She has boys, asked for anything. So I made up a list and sent it to her and she picked out some things. We emailed all evening back and forth exchanging stories. Then today, I email her to ask a question and nothing, no response. I guess she didn't need my stuff after all. All day today, I have offered to help families in need and then I find that none of my free stuff is worth it or they don't want it or they want to sell it for profit. What a shame! None of these people are needy - they are greedy. Want something for nothing but only if it is new, expensive and profitable. What a joke. I was hussled, but briefly. I did not lose anything in this deal, just some more self esteem and more of my helpful heart.

Oh and today I rescued a cat. He was cool for about 5 hours. My other cats can't like him and neither can I. He has to go back to the place we got him. It is not worth it. I am bummed. My heart is broken. I will now regain focus and put it where it belongs.. myself and my family. That is it.

Up Down All Around!

So I guess I am going through a depression of sorts. I feel worthless and helpless and my self esteem is really low right now. I am sure it is the holidays and missing my family and not being able to find a job. Today has been a roller coaster. Mad, sad, excited, disappointed, drained. I yelled at my husband for the dumbest things. More because I cannot yell at myself for being so stupid and lazy. I looked for something and I found that I can help a needy family. It briefly gave me satisfaction for knowing that I can bring happiness to someone else. I really need to work on that when it comes to my loved ones and myself. But, hopefully this needy person will appreciate what we are doing for her and her kids and be able to help someone else someday. We can only hope.

I wish I belonged somewhere. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. Just so emotional today.

It didn't suck, just not great.

Woke up with a headache. Didn't get the job. Feeling a little defeated today. Ultra sensitive. Drained.

Need motivation.

Tomorrow has to be better.

Debt- don't need you like you need me

Why is it that when you try to do the right thing, no one notices? But when you get in a bad way, you get help? Or when you try to not get in a bad way, no one cares to help? What is it with this system that allows us to be crap our way through life but does not try to prevent the crap in the first place. Could be why the country is in the position it is currently in. Cause instead of helping the little guy, they help the big one. Does this make sense to anyone? I want to get out of debt, but I do not want to go into further debt to do it. This stupid system of helping the big bad company and screw the little person is old and useless. Wake up people! I will play the game, but I don't have too. Remember that! I could just not pay my debt and do what I want. so there! It takes very little to get a lot, so give me a break for once and I will grow bigger and better than ever and I will be fine without you. or is that what you are afraid of?

Holiday is Death

What can I say? I am a fool.

I used to love the holidays. Now, I dread them. They make me sad and I miss my family. I miss being a kid. I miss the excitement and the laughter that came with Christmas. Oh and the stuff! Now the stuff doesn't seem so great and there is no excitement. My first Christmas without my son. How am I going to get through this? No one understands.. no one. I am grieving. Let me grieve. I thought I would wake up this morning and be relieved that I was past yesterday, I am not ready yet. Yesterday was a really bad day. I am just not ready to be OK. I am NOT OK.

I'll pull it together, I'll be OK eventually. Just not yet. I'll smile my way through the holidays, but I am not OK. When I am done, you will know, then I will be OK. We will be OK.

Love is not enough anymore

When is it time to say "enough is enough?" When clearly something is not working and you don't think it ever will, when do you finally quit?

I am angry. I am sad. I am tired of pretending that my life is great. A picture I paint so that I don't seem so pathetic that I have not done anything of great value. I have no friends. No one that I have not in some way lied to about my life and what I am really going through. I wanted my life to be important. It isn't. I am not great. I am not happy. I don't think I will ever be happy. I pretend and I am not even good at pretending.

I miss MY home. I miss me. I am not great. I just exist. My son is gone and does not want to come back. I have no more purpose.

Today was a bad day. I am lost.

Sad Day

Today.. I am sad. It's raining. I miss my son. I want to hybernate. Did I mention I am sad?

Can you move please?

What do you do when you have a creative mind but not creative hands? I have brilliant ideas, but never seem to be able to make it happen. I love making cards, but I get so blocked.
My chiropractor says that when one nerve is blocked it can affect everything else in the body. Maybe my creative chi is blocked...maybe I am a genuis and didn't even know it cause I am blocked? Have I been blocked my whole life?

This is something to be looked into. But right now, I am blocked. hmph.

Gotta eat, right?

I made dinner again tonight.. that's 2 nights in a row.. I am on a roll. =)

yay me.

Alberta clipper..need security..blanket

It is so cold today. I took a nap today with my husband, he got up and went to work, I stayed in bed for an hour longer and stayed warm. My face hurts a little cause when I get stressed or too cold my lymph nodes act up. It hurts and it sucks. Swelling in the most uncomfortable places - gotta love the immune system. I guess I should be happy that my immune system works so hard for me. I need to take better care of my body, it is the least I can do for the amount of effort it puts out for me.. beating heart, brain function.. you know those minor little things you forget your body does without thinking. I am alive. I should be thankful. I am alive.

Now on to figuring out how to live.

Things I have accomplished today

Cleaned downstairs toilet

Made dinner

Hung up some clothes in my new closet

3 things.. that's more than yesterday.. I'd say progress was made.

I Fail

How many times can I try and fail? How many times do I start and never finish? I have the desire to do, but the actual getting up and doing is so hard. I just get caught up in the moment and then nothing gets done. I started a web page, it went no where. Insightful - maybe, but then just nothing..just stalled! I wanted to get the house organized.. oh the desire is there, but the will is not. I hate having a dirty unorganized house, but cannot seem to get started or finished in any project that I start. I have an addiction.. and addiction to stalling. I watch TV, nothing important, but enough to distract me from accomplishing anything. I love to craft and make cards, but again. stalled. No creativity. Nothing gets done. I am not sad or depressed, maybe a little down about some things which i am sure i will get into on this blog, but not nearly in the poor frame of mind i spent many years dwelling in. So what is the problem? What is the problem?

thinking....


what is the problem?