Holiday is Death

What can I say? I am a fool.

I used to love the holidays. Now, I dread them. They make me sad and I miss my family. I miss being a kid. I miss the excitement and the laughter that came with Christmas. Oh and the stuff! Now the stuff doesn't seem so great and there is no excitement. My first Christmas without my son. How am I going to get through this? No one understands.. no one. I am grieving. Let me grieve. I thought I would wake up this morning and be relieved that I was past yesterday, I am not ready yet. Yesterday was a really bad day. I am just not ready to be OK. I am NOT OK.

I'll pull it together, I'll be OK eventually. Just not yet. I'll smile my way through the holidays, but I am not OK. When I am done, you will know, then I will be OK. We will be OK.

Love is not enough anymore

When is it time to say "enough is enough?" When clearly something is not working and you don't think it ever will, when do you finally quit?

I am angry. I am sad. I am tired of pretending that my life is great. A picture I paint so that I don't seem so pathetic that I have not done anything of great value. I have no friends. No one that I have not in some way lied to about my life and what I am really going through. I wanted my life to be important. It isn't. I am not great. I am not happy. I don't think I will ever be happy. I pretend and I am not even good at pretending.

I miss MY home. I miss me. I am not great. I just exist. My son is gone and does not want to come back. I have no more purpose.

Today was a bad day. I am lost.

Sad Day

Today.. I am sad. It's raining. I miss my son. I want to hybernate. Did I mention I am sad?

Can you move please?

What do you do when you have a creative mind but not creative hands? I have brilliant ideas, but never seem to be able to make it happen. I love making cards, but I get so blocked.
My chiropractor says that when one nerve is blocked it can affect everything else in the body. Maybe my creative chi is blocked...maybe I am a genuis and didn't even know it cause I am blocked? Have I been blocked my whole life?

This is something to be looked into. But right now, I am blocked. hmph.

Gotta eat, right?

I made dinner again tonight.. that's 2 nights in a row.. I am on a roll. =)

yay me.

Alberta clipper..need security..blanket

It is so cold today. I took a nap today with my husband, he got up and went to work, I stayed in bed for an hour longer and stayed warm. My face hurts a little cause when I get stressed or too cold my lymph nodes act up. It hurts and it sucks. Swelling in the most uncomfortable places - gotta love the immune system. I guess I should be happy that my immune system works so hard for me. I need to take better care of my body, it is the least I can do for the amount of effort it puts out for me.. beating heart, brain function.. you know those minor little things you forget your body does without thinking. I am alive. I should be thankful. I am alive.

Now on to figuring out how to live.

Things I have accomplished today

Cleaned downstairs toilet

Made dinner

Hung up some clothes in my new closet

3 things.. that's more than yesterday.. I'd say progress was made.

I Fail

How many times can I try and fail? How many times do I start and never finish? I have the desire to do, but the actual getting up and doing is so hard. I just get caught up in the moment and then nothing gets done. I started a web page, it went no where. Insightful - maybe, but then just nothing..just stalled! I wanted to get the house organized.. oh the desire is there, but the will is not. I hate having a dirty unorganized house, but cannot seem to get started or finished in any project that I start. I have an addiction.. and addiction to stalling. I watch TV, nothing important, but enough to distract me from accomplishing anything. I love to craft and make cards, but again. stalled. No creativity. Nothing gets done. I am not sad or depressed, maybe a little down about some things which i am sure i will get into on this blog, but not nearly in the poor frame of mind i spent many years dwelling in. So what is the problem? What is the problem?

thinking....


what is the problem?